Despite all your best efforts to do the right thing, have you found yourself repeatedly struggling with the same situation? If so, then you are not alone. For me, this has become a frustrating reality. But I believe I can help you understand why and what you can do about it.
My Struggle:
My coworker did not like me. Well, at least that’s what I thought. It felt as if everything I said or did irritated her. If I threw out a new idea, she shot it down. Whenever I asked a question, her response felt like a slap, making me feel stupid.
And so, I spent countless sleepless nights staring at the ceiling. Yes, unfortunately, I have this nasty habit of trying to solve things on my own. But finally, when I ran out of ideas, I began praying. I wish I could tell you I instantly heard His wise words of direction. But instead, God began reminding me of times in my life I’d had similar feelings in past relationships.
What God Revealed:
First, God brought to mind the time I led a small group for my church. Another woman hosted it in her home. I had always looked up to her for her gift of hospitality and as a mentor. At first, I loved teaching and leading this group with her. But over time, her constant questions and comments about how the group did things differently in the past. Thus, I felt she deemed me unqualified. This made me question my abilities as well. So, I stepped down.
Next, God reminded me of something even more painful, my failed marriage. I had always blamed myself for my husband’s drinking. If only I had been a better wife, he wouldn’t have drank so much. Whenever he got angry, I assumed fault. But even worse, I believed he had looked down on me because of my vision disability and the years of depression I endured after the loss of our son.
Finally, God evoked a lesson I’d learned in Al-Anon, a program for families of alcoholics. Al-Anon calls the dilemma of continually finding yourself in the same situation “doing a geographical.” It is when someone finds a new job, moves, or runs away from a relationship, hoping to get a fresh start. The problem is, until you deal with your pain and learn how to shed your poor defense mechanisms, you are the same. Nothing will change. You will end up in a new relationship with the same problems.
My Realization:
Remembering this, I realized I was struggling with the same situation yet again. So, in exasperation, I cried out, “Oh no, not again! What am I not getting that causes me to end up right back here?” I asked God why I always perceive rejection, even when there is none. It had destroyed so many of my relationships. When I feel unwanted or appreciated, I act defensively or run away.
Where God Led Me:
I love how God answers prayers and speaks to us in many ways. While wrestling with this problem, my pastor gave a sermon about offense. He said that many people take offense with God when they experience life’s difficulties. He reminded us that everyone experiences struggles. Even Jesus suffered. He was persecuted, beaten, and hung on a cross. But Jesus dealt with it differently than most of us. Rather than getting angry with those who offended Him, He prayed for them. Like Jesus, we must accept our struggles. We can’t get angry, offended, blame, or quit.
We must endure. No matter what, we must keep doing things Jesus’ way. We can seek God’s wisdom and pray for those who offend us. Sometimes, the trial will get even worse. But doing things God’s way gives God glory In the end. “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” (1 Peter 4:12-19, NIV)
Next, my pastor pointed out the phrase “fiery ordeal.” And he explained how gold is purified. First, gold is heated by fire. The gold’s impurities rise to the surface. Next, the impurities are scraped from the top. In the end, only pure gold remains. Similarly, we experience fiery trials. But if we do not do things as Jesus did, then our impurities will remain. And when we haven’t completed God’s refining process, we will end up struggling with the same situation once again.
Could This Refining Process Be the Key?
This intrigued me. So I grabbed my bible and did some research. I discovered the bible frequently uses the analogy of purifying gold or silver as a metaphor for repenting and removing sin. “In the same way that gold and silver are refined by fire, the Lord purifies your heart by the tests and trials of life.” (Proverbs 17:3, TPT)
What I Learned About Struggling Sith the Same Situation:
God allows trials in our lives, even over and over, to increase our faith and help us become more like Jesus. Why? Faith and Christlike character are far more valuable than gold or silver. “These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” (1 Peter 1:7, NIV)
Four Steps to Help:
So, how do we avoid repeatedly struggling with the same situation?
- We must allow God to point out our flaws.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalms 139:23-24, NIV)
- We must ask him for forgiveness and be willing to let Him change us.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1: 9, NIV)
- We must surrender our will to His perfect plans for our lives.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.” (Romans 8:28-29, NIV)
- Then God will use what the enemy intended for harm to be used for our good. “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” (Genesis 50:20)
The End of Struggling with the Same Situation:
I learned that in order to stop repeatedly struggling, I must allow God to point out when I perceive rejection. I must then ask for forgiveness for allowing my skewed perspective to distort the truth of my identity in Christ. Not only does God accept me, but he calls me His beloved child. I must stop reacting by getting angry, fighting back, and running away. Finally, I must begin praying for those who offend me and treating them with love.
I won’t say this process has been quick or easy. Sometimes I still find myself struggling. But now, I can quickly see my skewed perspective about people’s words and actions. This helps me pray and change my reactions. And I know, one day, with God’s help, I will get there.
And friend, I promise, one day, you will get there too! Why? Because God loves you and wants only the best for you! Keep praying. Let Him reveal your heart’s hidden motives and defense mechanisms behind your words and actions. Pray for forgiveness. Then, follow his lead. Change is not something we can accomplish through our own efforts. We must allow the Holy Spirit’s guidance to help us become more like Jesus. “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6, NIV)
