Are you a stressed-out, anxious, exhausted mom? Instead of feeling the magic of being a mom, is there a recurring “if only” pattern in your mind? “If only I…could get more sleep, had more time, knew the right way to do this, knew the right words to say, had more patience, could be a better mom like ____.”
It felt like “If only” became my mantra as a mom. But now I am older and supposedly wiser, my “If only” mindset has taken a radical about-face. If only I could turn back time and do it all again.
Magic Disappearing Time
I know what you are thinking right now. “What? Are you crazy? Nope, not me!” Trust me, I understand. Being a stay-at-home mom and, later, one who attempted to balance working with all the other parental duties was the hardest and most thankless job I ever did! Yet…I would give anything if I could turn back the hands of time.
Time is such a funny thing. It drags while you are in the trenches, doing the mundane daily tasks that being a mom requires. But now, as a grandmother of three, I wonder where the time went so fast.
Where Is The Magic?
Now, my youngest daughter has a newborn baby, and I have a front-row view of how stressful and exhausting it can be. For the first time ever, I see dark, puffy circles under her eyes. Even worse, I can feel her angst, like she is doing everything wrong, as she attempts to get her son on a sleep schedule and her days pass in an endless monotony of unfinished tasks.
I remember feeling as if my life was in mayhem. And I remember those self-condemning words all too well. “I am not doing this right. I never get anything accomplished. Even if I do, it will just need redoing tomorrow. I am so tired!!! This isn’t how I pictured being a mom would be. I am just not good at this mom thing!”
Enjoy the Magic
My advice for my daughter: “Stop trying to do everything right. Just enjoy the magic.” If only I could turn back time and do it all again, I would do it differently. I would focus less on doing everything right, accomplishing things, and proving I was a good mom. I’d live more in the moment, relax, and enjoy the little things, like holding my newborn baby and admiring his ten tiny, perfect toes. Then, I would allow my heart to be filled with love.
When I told my daughter to “enjoy the magic,” I meant it from the bottom of my heart, one that truly understands the anxiety and exhaustion my daughter is feeling. But I am pretty sure my daughter heard it as criticism, a slap in the face. Because I got no reply. I am sure she must have been thinking: “Ha, yeah right . . . says the lady who is going home to a quiet and relaxing evening. Says the lady who will sleep all night.”
When I got home, I felt convicted. My “kind and helpful” advice came across as judgmental and hurtful. I don’t want my daughter to feel the same anxiety I did, and I don’t want her to look back later with the same regrets I have. If only I could have followed my own advice. See, I told you this mom thing is tricky! Apparently, it never gets easier because I am still messing it up!
How To Go From Mayhem to Magic
Explaining better could help. If I look back on my experiences, I could share a few things I learned along the way, which might help my daughter and other moms decrease the mayhem and increase the magic. After time in prayer and reflection, I created an acrostic for MAGIC.
Make a list
I am one of those people who overthink everything. This, of course, cuts into my already limited sleep time. In fact, I am so bad that my husband bought me a T-shirt stating, “Don’t Overthink It.” Even though it irritated me, I wore it as pajamas when I was particularly anxious. It reminded me to think less and pray more. When I gave God my anxieties, I slept better.
Praying more always helped, as did creating a “to-do list.” I even kept it on my bedside table for easy access. Writing things down eased my mind, and I rested better, knowing I wouldn’t forget anything. So, make a list. Each morning, read your list and pray for discernment on breaking it into manageable tasks and prioritizing. Completing everything on your list is not necessary. Complete two or three high-priority tasks and save the rest for later.
Next, you can review your list and find jobs your children can help with. For example, you could have large, color-coded bins for organizing toys. At the end of each day, turn on a clean-up song, any song your children love. Make a challenge of putting all the toys in the correct bins before the song ends. It may require a little training. But it will be time well invested. Make your clean-up song a fun, daily routine. Most children love a challenge, especially when you use music. If you stop doing things for your children, they learn to do things themselves. And you can gain a few extra minutes each day.
Ask for help
I have always felt the need to prove myself. So, even when I labeled myself a terrible mom, I tried looking like I had it all together. This meant doing everything on my own, feeling lonely and afraid. It also meant I frequently compared myself to others, coming up short. So, rather than comparing yourself to the woman on your “super mom” pedestal, ask her for some ideas: What schedule do you find best? How do you organize your ___? How do you start your day? When do you find time to ___?
If you don’t have any “super mom” role models, consider yourself lucky! You have less need for comparison. Ask your mom, neighbor, or the sweet, grandmotherly lady at church. Most importantly, pray and ask God rather than the web. After all, do you want an answer from Google or Wikipedia, swayed by popular culture and social media, or do you want Godly wisdom? “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you” (James 1:5).
Grace
Grace Can’t Be Earned
God gives us grace. Earning his love or our forgiveness and salvation isn’t necessary. All we must do is proclaim our belief in Jesus. “God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for good deeds” (Ephesians 2:8-9 NLT).
God gives grace because He created us in love. Friend, He knows your strengths and flaws. God will love you the same, whether you are a kind, patient, and perfect mom who accomplishes every task on her to-do list or if you are a flat-out failure. “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3 NIV).
Grace Can’t Be Stolen
If God gives us grace, we can’t set a higher standard for ourselves. We must, thus, give ourselves grace. The enemy is the one who whispers lies in our ears, saying we aren’t good enough, not God. “When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies” (John 8:44 NIV).
The enemy lies and condemns. God convicts us so we change and become better. So ignore the enemy’s lies. Replace them with God’s truth about your identity. You are His deeply loved, righteous child! And strive for progress, not perfection. “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6 ESV).
Grace Extends to Everyone
Grace is for everyone, including our children. The Bible instructs children to obey and honor their parents (Ephesians 6:1). But it also teaches us to “serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace” (1 Peter 4:10 NIV). Our children are only human, too. Forgive them when they disobey or hurt your feelings. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NIV).
Involvement
Turning on a video or handing your children a screen is a tempting way to get a few minutes of peace or time to accomplish tasks. But please don’t do it. As a teacher, I have observed the deterioration of social skills since the invention of smartphones and tablets. I cringe whenever I see parents handing an electronic babysitter to a misbehaving child. Please teach your children discipline and have them participate in family conversations.
Rather than relying on screen time, you can also get involved and do something with your kids. Play a game, read a book, build a tower, and get moving: Have a dance party, go outside, and take a walk. After all, fresh air and exercise have added health benefits. You will all be in a better mood. Then, after your kids help you clean up, you can reward them with limited screen time. Or even better, you can watch, read, teach, or play with them on their computers or phones.
Care for self
Set your clock 15 min. early. Grab a cup of coffee, your Bible, or a devotional, and spend time with God. You can easily find an online devotional or a 5-minute Bible reading. You will be amazed how just 5 – 10 minutes will give you peace and start your day on a positive note. Give yourself the last 5 minutes for dressing and grooming. Even wearing a clean pair of sweats and brushing your hair and teeth will help you feel better. “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:33 NIV).
Once your day is off to a good start, you can keep it on track by eating healthy. Remember the adage, “garbage in, garbage out.” Stop eating the cold leftover chicken nuggets and congealing mac-n-cheese on your child’s plate. Yes, I did this, too! And yes, my mom also told me about the starving children in Africa. But we both know eating the leftover food won’t change this. Eating healthier means you will feel better, have more energy, and sleep better. You are worth the time it takes to make yourself something healthy.
I know what you’re thinking: “There’s no time for preparing a separate meal!” I had the same problem. So, I started meal planning and cooking on the weekends while my husband was home. This eased my load during the week and made healthy food choices available when I was short on time.
Take What You Like And Leave The Rest
So, my friend, I have given you a lot of ideas. Nevertheless, I realize what worked for me may not work for you, and every child and family is unique. A couple of my ideas may ease your mayhem. You can try a few or dismiss them all. However, I hope you will reflect on my heart’s biggest regret: If only I could have stopped trying so hard and started enjoying the magic. After all, being a mom is the most challenging yet magical job you will ever have!
