“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)
What do we say to comfort a hurting or grieving friend? Honestly, I don’t think there are any right words. But I can tell you from experience what not to say. “God will never give you more than you can handle.” or “When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.” People say these cliques in kindness. But these well-intended words are little zingers that may make your friend feel worse.
The first statement: “God will never give you more than you can handle.” is not biblical. But the Bible contains a similar verse about temptation, not grief. “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13, NIV).
Telling a hurting friend, “God will never give you more than you can handle,” might actually increase the hurt. I know because I heard it often after my son died. And honestly, it added guilt to my grief. I already had a huge list of “if-only”. “If only I had prayed harder. If only I had fought harder and made the doctors do more.” But when people said this to me, I felt guilty for grieving. I wondered if I was being ungodly.
Similarly, people say, “When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window,” when someone has experienced a difficult life change or loss. Not only is this a misquote of the above Bible verse, but it’s a movie quote from The Sound of Music. I realize people say these well-intended words to be encouraging. But again, it comes across as preachy, as if the person needs to trust God more.
I believe the kindest encouragement we can offer is actions rather than words. What helped me the most with the loss of my son and when I walked through other life trials was having friends listen, pray for, and with me, and stand alongside me for the duration.
We’ve all heard it said, “Actions speak louder than words.” I agree. Once we’ve listened, prayed, and stood with others, God will provide more comforting words than worn-out cliches. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29, NIV).
Dear Heavenly Father, It is hard to imagine how words meant as helpful could actually be hurtful. Please help me love others through actions, service, and prayer before any unwholesome words proceed from our mouths. May I always seek Your guidance in finding comforting words. In Jesus; Name, Amen
For Further Study:
100 Bible Verses About Comforting Others
