I sustained a broken vertebra in a car accident and had been in a brace for more than 14 weeks when the doctors had told me it would only be 9 – 12 weeks at most. I wasn’t healing as fast as I was supposed to. So, friends at Bible study kindly laid hands on me and prayed for my healing. But I wondered, will God really heal me? What If Healing Me Is Not Part of His Plan?
My Story About Healing:
I lost my son Stephen when he was 13 months old. 1 year, 1 week, and 1 day to be exact. Yes, I know the exact number of days he was on this earth. And nearly every day he was here, he was in discomfort.
More than Colic
I’m sure you have heard of colicky babies. Stephen was that and more. Sometimes, it felt like he screamed 24 hours a day. While nursing, I tried changing everything I ate, thinking perhaps he was allergic to something I was eating. When this didn’t work, I stopped nursing, and we switched him to formula. Then, we tried every kind of formula to no avail. We carried him around the house in a baby carrier, snuggled tight against us. We tried the football hold, a swing, walking him around the block, and even driving in the car. No matter what we tried, he was inconsolable.
The Next Few Months
Then, as the months progressed, he did not. He didn’t roll over or sit up. He never crawled. I took him to every doctor and specialist and had multiple tests performed. An MRI finally revealed he had calcium deposits in his brain. The doctors concluded he had contracted cytomegalovirus (CMV) in utero.
During my third trimester, I thought I had the flu. Turns out it was most likely CMV. CMV is a pretty common virus. In fact, most people don’t know they have had it, as it rarely causes problems in healthy people. But if you are pregnant, it can affect your baby, whose immune system has not completely developed. CMV has no cure. And the damage done to my son was irreversible.
I spent the next few months taking my son to every doctor, specialist, and therapist I could find who might be able to help him. And when my insurance company refused to pay, I waged war on them. But over time, my son’s colic became illness after illness.
A Miracle of Healing
When Stephen was 10 months old, he contracted pneumonia and aplastic anemia. Aplastic anemia is a severe and rare blood condition. It occurs when your bone marrow cannot make enough new white blood cells for your body to function correctly and fight off infection. After a couple of days in the hospital, the doctors told us our son would not live through the night.
I spent most of that night at Stephen’s bedside, interspersed with trips to the chapel. Throughout the night, I blamed myself for not taking good enough care of myself and getting sick while I was pregnant. I prayed and asked God if He was punishing me for my sins by allowing my son to be so ill. And finally, I begged God to heal my son or, if He wouldn’t, to at least end his suffering. This is a prayer I will forever feel guilty about. I wondered if I was giving up on my son because I couldn’t stand seeing him suffering.
In the morning, Stephen’s 104-degree fever broke, and his blood cell counts grew. This astonished the doctors. They told me it was not medically possible for this to have happened. And I knew it was a miracle from God.
God’s Gift of Time
Over the next 2 months, my son was better. He even gave us his first half-lopsided smile. We discovered music and massage therapy helped ease his discomfort. And we got to experience joy with our son for the first time. These 2 months were a gift from God.
His Final Illness
Shortly before his first birthday, while we were visiting our parents in another state, Stephen became ill again. And it was like reliving a nightmare: 104 plus degree fever, pneumonia, and blood counts showing a recurrence of aplastic anemia. The doctors moved Stephen to the ICU, administered antibiotics, and gave him multiple transfusions of platelets. But after 2 weeks, they placed him on life support. My husband and I remained by his side 24 hours a day.
One afternoon, my mom insisted I take a brief break from the hospital. So, I took my 3-year-old daughter to see the Easter Bunny. When I returned an hour later, I couldn’t believe my eyes. My tiny 14-pound son was lying in the middle of a vast hospital bed. He was connected to 13 IVs, one of which was placed in his head. At that moment, I knew, despite my never-ending prayers, that my son was going to die. I can’t even tell you how long it was, a day, maybe two before he passed. But I remember it like it was yesterday. I held him in my arms as he took his last breath.
God was With Us Through It All
I can’t tell you how I survived it. All I can tell you is it took years: years of howling at God and asking Him why, years of heaping guilt upon myself, years of depression, years of grief and suffering. But in the end, I realized God had been with us, sustaining us through it all.
Of course, there was God’s miracle 2 months before Stephen died. God gave us those two beautiful months to get to know and love our son when he wasn’t sick. God also answered our prayers and met our needs in many other ways. When we couldn’t get physical therapy for our son, a Christian friend told me about the Foundation for Blind Children. They provided us with physical, occupational, music, and massage therapy for free. When Stephen got his last bout of pneumonia, we were visiting our family and surrounded by a support system. And Stephen died on Easter Sunday, the day of resurrection and new life.
One detail I neglected to state is I was 7 months pregnant when Stephen died. We hadn’t planned this pregnancy. I had, in fact, questioned how I would ever be able to care for another child when I could barely care for the two I already had. But God knew. God knew that because of my pregnancy, I had no choice but to survive it. I had to eat and take care of myself. I had to go on. God knew the depths of the depression I would endure. And He knew my daughter and new son would be what got me through it. Even though I couldn’t see it then, God was there helping us through it all.
Other Miracles
God even knew the right words for the pastor to say at Stephen’s funeral. He said, “Jesus was holding out his hands, waiting to hold and accept Stephen from the moment his soul left his body. Jesus took him into His arms the second he died in mine.” These words made such an impact on me. I couldn’t get them out of my head. I think it was a seed God planted in my heart. And even though I spent years questioning and being angry at God, He nurtured this seed through friends and neighbors. And they eventually led me back to church and Him.
My younger sister, who had been with us during Stephen’s last illness, came to know the Lord. My entire family was also saved over the next few years due to our faith and the people in our church.
Now, I am not saying my son had to die for God to save us. But I am saying that God used this horrific tragedy to work His good plans for our lives. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, NIV). God always has a way of taking what the enemy intended for evil and turning it into good (Genesis 50:20).
Doubts About Healing
Now, you may understand why I might doubt whether God would answer my prayers for healing. After all, He allowed my son to die. But the Bible says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3, NIV) Stephen’s story illustrated both “a time to heal and a time to die.” Thus, I do NOT doubt that God can and will heal us if it is part of His plan.
My experience has shown me God did heal my son. He did help us through every step of our difficult journey. But there was a time for my son to die. I will not pretend to know why. Perhaps Stephen’s little body was just too tired. Perhaps he had endured enough suffering. Maybe He had accomplished his purpose. I will never know. But what I do know is God knows infinitely more than I do. His Word says, “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9, NIV). Sometimes, God has a different plan we can’t see or understand.
If this is hard to fathom, think of this: God allowed His one and only son to suffer and die in order to save us. His plan to save humanity went far beyond His own suffering. That’s how much God loves us. (John 3:16)
Will God Heal Me?
Despite everything I have walked through, my answer is: yes, God can and will heal me if it is in His plan. And I trust He has good plans for me. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future'” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV).
God says: “I am the Lord, who heals you” (Exodus 15:26, NIV). The Bible promises, “the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well” (James 5:14-15a, NIV).
Faith Is The Key to Healing
Jesus tells us that when we pray for anything, we must have faith it will happen. “So Jesus answered and said to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ it will be done. And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive” (Matthew 21: 21-22, NIV).
A New Way To Pray for Healing:
I have faith, and I believe God can and will answer my prayers for healing. But now, when I ask God for healing, I pray, “Please heal if it is according to Your will and plans.”
God had a different plan for my son, to end his suffering. He saved my entire family through His plan. God also had a different plan for His own son. And through Jesus’ suffering and death, we were redeemed, justified, forgiven, and given eternal life. “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (Romans 3:24, NIV).
Friend, unfortunately, we will never know if God plans to heal us. But this should never stop us from praying and believing in healing. God can and will heal if it fits his plans. “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5, NIV).
God’s Healing May Be More Than Physical
Sometimes, God performs miracles of physical healing, just as He did for my son the first time he was hospitalized. But, sometimes, God’s plan for healing may be more than physical healing. Through Jesus’ death, God gave us spiritual healing, freedom, and eternal life. So, when we pray for healing, we must never forget to pray for God’s will. We must allow God to do more than we can think or imagine. “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20, NIV). We must leave room for whatever healing God has in mind, according to His perfect will.
